Its been a while since I last blogged. My excuse for not writing? Well, its basically the same excuse I have for not ‘living’ the last couple of weeks. I found myself continuously existing in a state of perfunctoriness. I fell in love with a hopeless place (Hi Rihanna *waves*). It all started with what at the time seemed like an inconsequential flirtation, with that devil, the soul killer, Apathy. I didn’t care and I let her have her way with me. I was whipped. Soon enough she was talking about making our relationship official. The question’s started flying in left right, and centre. “Where are we heading with this?” “Do you love me?” Just like that I started caring. Just not about her. “I am sorry Apathy, its not you,eh…um … you see its me.” The self placating break up cliche. She cried but I could not stay to wipe her tears. I would not be chasing this particular waterfall. I loved myself more. I cared. (Bye Rihanna *waves*)
As with any post break up period I did the standard thing, reflected on the relationship. A postmortem of sorts. How is it that I had found myself so comfortable in a relationship with Apathy? How come I had become so ambivalent about the trajectory that my life was on?. I had not veered off on a tangent per se. Not yet, but I was an autopilot to a destination, the coordinates to which I doubt even Apathy knew. I needed to feel the thrill of flying manually again.
I wasn’t without my doubts though. I will admit it, there is a certain addictive quality to apathy and as you would expect I had to deal with the withdrawals that came with waning myself of it. Had I made the right call? Would I miss Apathy? It was in breaking up with Apathy that I had begun to feel again.Things mattered.I cared.I was alive.This was not the time for regrets. It was time to be strong. Time to move on. Firstly though I needed to re-evaluate, recalibrate and re-align myself with my dreams,ambitions and general sense of purpose and direction again.In the process I began to look around me, well more like over the other side of the fence, at my friends. I paid attention to how they had grown up. Some had started their own families, some were living or actively towards their own individual dreams. I wanted that.
I immediately felt embarrassment at comparing myself. I was angry and could feel myself turning green with envy. My inner Hulk getting harder and harder to suppress.It threatened to overwhelm and lead me on a downward spiral fueled by envy.In the process eroding my internal security and subsequently my self esteem.Thats the thing about envy,it almost always evolves into a melodrama filled with pain, pettiness and bitterness. Its roots firmly implanted in the lack of belief in the integrity of our own unique life path.
I think it was Michelangelo who said “Every block of sculptor has a statue inside it and it is the sculptors task to discover it” How well we do this will be our measurement. It shouldn’t matter what the other person is doing with their block of stone. The statue that each person is liberating is one of their own intentions. How well I do with my own statue is my business.That will be my the focus. I had to remind myself of that.
Comparing yourself is not always all bad. Depending on how you channel it, it can be quite productive, especially if you’re inspired to emulate impressive traits or you are able to draw lessons from the experiences of others. My new mantra every time envy attacks will be, “Keep Calm and Carry On.” After all I have a master piece to finish.
“Keep Calm and Carry On” is tag line that was printed on a British propaganda poster campaign during WW2, intended to raise the morale of the British public in the event of invasion. It has since been resurrected back into popular culture. With people adopting it for their own personal wars. I choose to use it aggressively in waging my propaganda campaign against the green monster that is envy.