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Monthly Archives: February 2013

Cheating On You (Unfaithfully Yours)

Dear Blank page.

It’s me again. I come bearing ink.

As I clutch this pen and try and flirt with you again I find myself just staring dreamily at your canvas and smiling. I have just been sitting with you in this car playing this mix tape in my mind. My thoughts of her on shuffle. I haven’t written a thing. Instead I find myself desperately searching for her in your margins. It feels like I am cheating on you.

Over the last year and a half you are one of a handful of things I have whole heartedly been committed to. We have shared so many words and I have grown so much within your margins. You have taught me to own my crazy. To live my truth. To sit with my thoughts. To engage and articulate them. You have schooled me on focus, determination and perseverance. At the same time you have made me feel like a little kid whose has been taking joy rides in the theme park of language.

Thank you. For everything.

I remember when you challenged me. What are you writing for? Are you writing to get at women? Do you think you can write your way into their hearts? I ignored you. I just kept writing. But ask me the same question again and I will answer you with this. If I ever wrote to get at women then she is the one I have been writing for.  She is the Broomhilda to my Django.

She is as beautiful as she is intelligent. A vivacious and ambitious woman.  I am amazed and intrigued by her mind and her world view.  She mirrors many of my own thoughts. I catch myself getting high on her happy. That crazy kind of happy. Our thoughts oscillate seamlessly on the most beautiful wavelength. I can relate to her on so many different levels. Our hearts beat to the same rhythm. She is both Sensei and grasshopper to me. She is my teacher and yet she still wants to learn from me … says she wants to tap into my mind.

She is a dreamer, believer, achiever and a creative at heart.  Pure in mind and soul. Super chilled. The realest of the real. Flawed  but stitched together with good intentions. Imperfectly perfect.  She is simply amazing. I just want to go on an endless trip in her mind and find all the hidden treasures it has to offer and all the emotions she might be hiding.

She reminds me of you. She reminds me of something I have never had. Something that I have always wanted. I know. I plead insanity.

She is the woman in the mirror. She gets me in a way only you have been able to before. I can’t imagine this feeling getting old in my soul or my spirit. I am determined to keep it alive through all the late nights and early mornings. She has me thinking about forever. She has me thinking about December.

So even though at times it feels like I am cheating on you with her. I feel like our story so far has been about me becoming the man I needed to be before I met her. I hope you understand.

It feels right.

I guess the point I am trying to make with this letter is that I after all this lusting and all this time. I finally found someone I can tell the way I feel about you.

Oh ….one more thing. She is playing on my dream team baby!

Unfaithfully Yours.

The Mad Scientist A.K.A. The Night Writer.

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Posted by on February 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Say Hello To The Bad Guy.

There you go reaching up your blouse again. No, I don’t want a kid, but I haven’t been touched in a while by the dealer and the stoner with the sweetest kiss …

Le sigh.

I’m not  really a bad guy, but I have definitely made some bad guy moves.

We have all got pasts. As men and women we have done things that we are not proud of to people who didn’t deserve it. The worst bit is that most of the damage could have been prevented on the front end. By being honest about the way we feel. The reality is that for most of us the road to happily ever after is littered with regrets, mistakes and heartbreak. The most important thing to consider in order to arrive at that happily ever after is to learn from these mistakes. We have to grow and mature emotionally and that often involves being hurt and and at times hurting others. We love and we lose. We live and we learn. We live and we grow.

Indulge me if you will in a trip down memory lane. A few years ago, an ex-girlfriend of mine who by this point was a good friend (Yes, it can happen), was listening to me carry on about my dating dramas. I was sharing with her a particular situation I had been through involving a woman who just did not want anything to do with me anymore.

She listened without saying much, occasionally interjecting  me with “Mmhmms” and “Why did you do that? … Okay”.  After I had rambled on for while she finally cut me off and she said, “Taf, you know what your problem is? You have no idea what you are doing. It’s like you want everybody to like you and you don’t want to hurt anybody but the reality is that you end up pissing more people off in the process. Is the truth that hard? It’s not. C’mon you are telling it to me.  At some point you have to realise that sometimes you have to let people hate you. But even before you get there, you have got to make better decisions upfront and realise that for every one of these small bad decisions you make there’s another person at the end of it wondering what the hell happened and why? But no, you just wing it and hope it all works out only to ultimately create enemies out of women who would otherwise make valuable friends to you if you had just been straight up in the first place.”

See, I was a coward who hid behind this whole nice guy persona, and justified my actions by telling myself I was protecting people’s feelings.

I am pretty sure I am not the only guy guilty of this. Most of us in, not wanting to hurt some of the women who come in and out of our lives find little ways to reassure them that we care and that they are around for a reason. What’s the reason? To stroke our ego’s perhaps. Who knows? But we never say that. Why would we? The truth might hurt.

We pretend we care about these women, except we don’t. Or at least not until its too late. All we care about is not hurting them. I know that’s not caring, that’s selfish. Its all ego motivation that makes us need to look in the mirror and see a decent person.

Instead of being straight up with them we cross our fingers and hope that they never end up having to be hurt by being confronted with the half-truths and lies we have told.  Some of them aren’t even lies. Some of it is delusion on the part of the women. But that doesn’t absolve us from providing the clarity needed to temper some of that delusion.

Now again, even after all of that, none of this intentional. It’s all done out of hopefully not wanting to hurt any particular woman. Except, we do more damage this way than we would by being straight up. And we KNOW this.

We KNOW.

That’s the worst part about it. We know better. By attempting to be benevolent through selfishness, contempt and animosity unfold.

The messed up thing is wanting to be a nice guy means you try not to hurt people.  Trying not to hurt people means you are not straight up. Not being straight up means you hurt people. Hurting people means you made some bad guy moves.

 

 
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Posted by on February 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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