I have never been in love with anyone other than myself.
I have loved some people I have had relationships with, tolerated others, and some, well let’s just say it was just convenient. But when I really look back and think about it, and I am entirely honest with myself I realise that I was never really in love with any of them. At the time though I definitely believed I was in love. I desperately wanted to believe that I was in love. I guess it was easier than admitting to myself that I was a pragmatist who dated people he just got along with. People who massaged my fragile and over sized ego and made me feel loved. That I was probably in love with the idea of being loved and to show my appreciation I loved them back? This however didn’t fit in with the carefully crafted narrative I had written for myself. One in which I was a romantic, a lover. So I convinced myself I was in love. I might have even tried to convince myself that they were the one. What is probably more closer to the truth is that it was most likely just an infatuation with her booty.
Another factor to consider is that my younger self was so irrationally preoccupied with avoiding that mythical black hole that is the friend zone, so much so that I jeorpadised many a friendship that would have surely enriched my life. Where I could have been amazing friends with some of the people I dated I opted to date, again all because of that narrative I was trying to write. That I was lover, and a romantic. Oh how misguided I was. in my current incarnation I am not sure I have met “the one” yet or that there even is one specific person out there we are pre destined to be with. If it’s a case of soul mates I believe we can actually have more than one soul mate and we might actually never get to spend forever with any of them but that’s a story for another day.
I know how cynical and jaded I probably sound writing all but if you will please indulge me I will try and explain myself. At the end of Lauryn Hill’s song Doo Woop (That Thing) on her The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill album a young girl offers up her musings on what she thinks the difference between being in love and loving someone. This largely informs my own understanding of what that difference is.
There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. You can love anybody. But when you are in love with somebody, you looking at it like this: you taking that person for what he or she is no matter what he or she look like or no matter what he or she do. You might stop being in love with them but you are not going to stop loving that person.- musings of a young girl on Lauryn Hills Doo Woop (That Thing)
My understanding and interpretation of that is that being in love is typically based on dependability, respect, compromise and compassion. Loving someone on the other hand is particularly different. You basically want the best for them and you encourage them in what they but you might not necessarily compromise for them or be dependable. It’s a very thin and blurry line between the two.
The biggest lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. In fact for us to lie to others in most instances we lie to ourselves first. We tell ourselves that we are protecting them or don’t want to hurt them and we use that as justification. We are lying to ourselves. When I look at most of the relationships I have been a part of throughout my twenties a pattern slows starts to emerge. There are a few recurring themes that characterise all those relationships. Whilst the people I have dated are all unique and different there is one common denominator in all those relationships – yours truly. Whilst the relationships have ended for a myriad of reasons it has been the same qualities and characteristics of my person that have always had the deciding vote in the end. Whether it was a breakdown in trust, a lack of communication, divergent views, values or goals it was how mostly my ego dealt with those challenges. And so it has been that my ego cast the decisive vote on my part.
For me the deciding vote on whether to stay, fight for it or walk away has always been predominantly cast by me ego. I am in no way saying this is the right or mature way to have handled things but that it is what is. I can’t rewrite history; I can only hope to write my wrongs and maybe someone else might learn from my flaws and mistakes. Whenever my relationship became untenable, it was usually because my ego was no longer being massaged. And that was all the incentive I needed to move on. In some situations I have pushed be trusted or loved and vice versa. In the few instances where I was on the receiving end, and my trust was broken as long as my ego was soothed somehow in the aftermath I would stay, because that’s all that really counted, my ego. Not being in love or loving someone. Maybe I have never even been in love with myself and Instead I have been in love with my ego.
Over the course of this I will use this blog as a vehicle for me to start writing my wrongs by discussing and analysing some of the defining relationships I have had in my life and trying to get a better understanding and further insight into my own actions. Hopefully In the process I will begin to find the answers as to why I made the choices I made, why I have never been in love. I will be writing in search of my truth. It will be the start of a journey I am embarking on to starve my ego and feed my soul. And maybe in the process I will not learn from my mistakes but also grown within the margins of the blank page.