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It Takes Three To Tangle, And Just Two To Tango (Part 3)

It Takes Three To Tangle, And Just Two To Tango (Part 2)

My first and only threesome experience was not something that I could have ever imagined happening the way it did. It was totally unexpected. Even when I think about it I find it incredulous that it even happened at all. It all still feels a bit surreal. Even after all these years that have passed. But I guess that’s the thing about living out a fantasy. You daydream about it, but never really expect it to turn into a reality. And when the reality turns out to be so much better than the fantasy you find yourself retreating to nostalgia just to take one more hit, because the fantasy just doesn’t cut it anymore.

My threesome experience signaled the beginning of the end of one of the most hedonistic seasons in my life. It was also part of the genesis of what has been one of the most fulfilling and rewarding relationships I have ever been a part of. A relationship which brought me to my own attention and helped me grow in ways I am still appreciative of today. If I was to pick one relationship that did the most to shape me into the man that I am today it would be that post-ménage a trois relationship. It was the relationship in which I became emotionally mature and became more emotionally intelligent. In this series of posts I have spoken a lot about my ego. It was in that relationship that I first acknowledged my ego and in which I began the difficult journey of managing it. And for the better part of that relationship I succeeded, until I didn’t but that’s a story for another day.

Back to the story at hand.

Mine wasn’t just a random hook up with two random girls as I had once fantasised. It actually involved my “friend with benefits” and the girl who would go on to become a long term girlfriend after that experience. And that is why I am sharing that story today. It would be impossible tell the story about that part of my life without discussing that experience. And it would be a disservice to describe that threesome without putting it in that context as well.

I wish I could take credit for orchestrating the threesome but I can’t. That would be an unnecessary embellishment of a story that I am sure most will find hard to believe. Also for those who might be hoping to get some insight on how to pull off their very own threesome you are probably going to be disappointed because I don’t have a playbook you can follow. I genuinely believe the circumstances of my experience were as unique as it might sound improbable. I don’t think I will ever have a threesome again, but I am OK with that. That one time was more than enough for me. Besides I still wouldn’t know how to convince two women to have a threesome with me even after having been a participant in one before. The only insight I can probably provide is on how to handle one once you find yourself living out that fantasy.

So how did I find myself having a threesome with two women?

The short answer is I was ‘the chosen one’. Without any prompting on my part they had coordinated and agreed between themselves and I just got an invite to the debauchery that ensued. I later learned that the instigator in chief was my ‘friend with benefits’. For the purpose of this blog I will call her *Lala. For Lala the whole experience was some sort of power play that I am not quite sure I understand to this day, but one that backfired horribly for her. When I asked her after why she had pushed for it, her response was ‘I wanted to see what it was about her that you were so caught up on. I wanted to compare and prove to myself that I was better than her … and some part of me half expected her to chicken out.’

As for the girl I would go on to date, who for the purpose of this blog I will call *Hannah, she had suspected that I had been hooking up with Lala but hadn’t been sure. Whilst I had hooked up with Hannah before it had been randomly and we had never discussed the issue of exclusivity. We also happened to get along very well outside the sack but neither of us had made any effort to pursue anything more meaningful. Hannah for obvious reasons didn’t like discussing the threesome and the only insight I ever got on her reasons for taking part was that she perceived it as some kind of challenge and didn’t want to give Lala a win by default or something to that effect. Like I said I don’t fully understand why it happened. I can only share the story with you of how it happened. And that is exactly what I am going to do now.

How it happened …

As the three of us make our way out of the club I find myself a couple of paces behind Lala and Hannah who are walking in front of me with their arms intertwined. This is all too weird I start to think to myself but before I can finish that thought I find myself lusting after both Hannah’s beautiful long legs and Lala’s exquisite derrière, hardly believing my luck. My excitement is building with each step and it is taking all the willpower I can master not to break into a little jig. Keep it cool Taf, you only live 10 minutes away. 10 minutes stand between you and the ultimate fantasy. Don’t blow it. Just keep calm and just follow the girls lead. They are the ones in charge. The ones calling the shots. Just keep your cool. It can’t be that hard. Save all the energy you can anyway. You are going to need every ounce of it tonight.

Now a million thoughts are racing through my mind. Is this really happening? Or is this some cruel joke they are playing on me? Or maybe it’s some sort of test? Are they bluffing? But why would they? Just hold your nerve Taf, and please don’t say anything stupid. Not now. There is nothing to lose here and so much to gain … But surely one of them is going to chicken out. My money is on Hannah … but Hannah is the one I want more. If push comes to shove and I have to make a choice it will be Hannah. That’s a no brainer. She is the one I need to pay a little more attention to. Lala seems determined to go through with this no matter what so I am not too worried about her. Damn, the prospect of both of them at the same time is just … Oh shit, I need to figure out logistics before we get to my place. How is this going to work? I really didn’t think this through even in all the times I fantasised about having a threesome … Man, none of my boys are going to believe this. Shit, I can’t even believe this is happening. I am going to need all the tact and diplomacy I can master to see this through. I have to see this through otherwise I will never be able to live with myself. I can’t blow this.

I suddenly think back to the club where this whole night had started. I hadn’t known what to think when I had seen Lala approach Hannah in the club. They were not friends. They knew of each other but as far as I knew they had never spoken before. But that night they spoke for what felt like forever but in reality were only a few minutes. The next thing I knew they were dancing with each other. They couldn’t have been more contrasted both physically and in terms of their personality. Lala like me, was black African, and Hannah was a white Australian. Lala had a more natural rhythm about her dancing but Hannah was nevertheless holding her own and had more of an intangible aura about her. Lala was extroverted and Hannah more introverted. But there they were dancing away Iike the very best of friends having the time of their life.

I couldn’t make sense of it all, and before I had any time to decide on any course of action I saw them both calling me over to join them. To be honest at the time it felt like I was walking straight into an ambush but being the masochist that I am I joined them anyway. Surely this could not possibly end well.

TO BE CONTINUED …

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Posted by on April 16, 2014 in Writing My Wrongs

 

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The Pretender

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Some time ago a child hood friend of mines wife asked me why I was single. My response was an instinctive “I get bored easily” and I quickly followed that up by laughing rather uncomfortably at my own response. Days later, sitting alone with my thoughts I found myself querying myself as to why I had given her that particular answer amongst all the many possible answers I could have offered up. Did I believe the answer that I gave her? That when it came to relationships perhaps I had some sort of ADD? Or was this just another lie I was telling myself. And maybe I was afraid to dig deeper and really look at myself and really analyse why my previous relationships have failed. Anyway I didn’t end up thinking about it for too long and carried on just doing me., Or maybe because I actually do have ADD.

More recently another friend I grew up with asked me to accompany him to go visit his soon to be new in laws. He wanted to initiate the process of negotiating Lobola. Lobola is a dowry/ bride price that a groom pays to the bride’s family when he marries their daughter. Traditionally this was in the form of cows, but nowadays it’s usually in the form of a cash amount that is set by the bride’s family. As such the concept of Lobola is often misconstrued by those alien to the cultural nuances as the process of purchasing a wife. It’s not. The purpose of Lobola according to Shona culture is for ‘Kuwaka hukama” which loosely translates to ‘building relations’. Lobola is meant to facilitate the creation of a bond the two families – that of the bride and grooms. When not abused it’s a great custom. Anyway on this occasion my friend asked me to accompany to go see the girl’s aunt. The Tete as the aunt is known in Shona who would act as the go between him and the bride’s family. She would also give us advice on what was expected of him when the Lobola discussions took place. All in all that visit gave me further insight into the whole process of Lobola, something I will discuss in more detail in a future post.

What I want to discuss today though is how that visit brought me back to that unresolved question on why I was single and even more so that despite all the relationships I have had I have never got to the stage where I even considered Lobola. As such I never made a conscious effort to understand it properly. I just knew of it. I think this is indicative of my lack of impetus when it comes to making long term commitments like getting married. But as more and more of friends are getting married and I find myself in the minority I have actively begun to inform myself so I can have a better understanding and ultimately forge my own path. Whatever that is. It is this that made go back to trying to understand for myself why I don’t seem to have the same urgency that my friends seem to have about settling down. Why made friends wife asked me why I was single.

I think there is some element of truth in my instinctive response that ‘I get bored easily’. I love the process of getting to know someone, revelling in the possibilities that lay ahead. But when it comes to actually going the distance I always seem to come up some way short. One of the reasons for this is that sometimes when I have found myself in the middle of that boundary defining ‘what are we’ conversation I haven’t always carried out my due diligence. It’s often been a case of not having strong enough reasons not to go into a relationship as opposed to having the right motivations to enter into one. Plus I don’t like sharing and monogamy settles that. Because I want that person to myself I sometimes end up in a relationship that I haven’t really thought through. In that way I have always sabotaged myself and it’s no surprise that I haven’t been able to go the distance.

The longest relationship I have ever had ended over four years ago. We dated for almost three years, although the last year we spent breaking up and making up more times than I care to remember. Compared to my other relationships this one I can confidently say I tried to make this one work. We both stuck around through the ups and downs. We tried to deal with our differences and disagreements maturely. It is probably the most grown up relationship I have ever had. A relationship in which I didn’t always feel like call it quits anytime there was trouble in paradise. But as meaningful and grown up as that relationship was I never completely opened up to her. I was committed but for some reason I kept my guard up, never fully letting her get to know all of me. In doing so I cheated both us from fully exploring the potential of that relationship. And even though I kept my guard up I left her to believe that I was an open book and she knew me completely.

So after two years of dating when she pressed me on what my long term plans were and whether I was part of them I buckled. Because I hadn’t fully opened up to her I was afraid she didn’t fully know me. Thinking she did know me (because that is what I left her to believe) she gave me ultimatum to give an outline of plans for our future within 6 months. And so began the slow and protracted end to our relationship. At one stage I tried to explain my hesitation to her. I remember that what she said hurt the most wasn’t that I didn’t completely share the core of who I was with her. It was that I sold her a dream. I left her to believe that she knew all of me. She rightly pointed out that it would have been better not to sell her the idea that I was an open book. “You made it your thing, that you were totally open” she said. She would have been perfectly Ok with me sharing whatever I struggled to share with her whenever I was ready if I hadn’t sold her onto the idea she already knew all of me. She said I was a pretender. Those words have haunted me ever since.

In the aftermath of that relationship I never really took the time to get to the bottom of why I couldn’t be open with her. I just knew that going forward I didn’t want to be called a pretender ever again. The question of why I couldn’t be open with her is one I am not sure I have a conclusive answer for even after all these years. I am tempted to say that maybe part of me knew that we had no long term future no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise. And why that rather meek explanation?

Just based on all the relationships I have had I have noticed a trend with the breakdown of all my relationships. Issues that have remained unresolved going back to the first major fight have always turned to be deciding factors in all those break ups. So using that logic I probably knew from our first fight that we didn’t have a long term future and maybe that is why I never fully opened up to her. In my misguided efforts to make it work I inadvertently made sure that it would never work.

 
 

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Love In The Future

Love is a hell of a muse. It’s definitely doing wonders for John Legend’s music. Granted he has always been a soulful dude but his latest offering “Love In The Future” has to arguably be his best work to date. It’s not just his voice, or even his musicality that brings it home for me. It’s how effortlessly he sets about sharing the core of who he is. For me this has always been the essence of all the great art that has managed to leave an indelible mark on my soul. It is something that as a writer I try to emulate in my own writing, albeit with varying degrees of success. On this album John Legend is encouragingly vulnerable and he displays an emotional intelligence that makes this album special, even more so when set against the backdrop of most popular R&B/soul music today. It embodies all the characteristics of grown and sexy music. It’s a breath of fresh air.

The album’s title gives a pretty accurate indicator of the album’s direction. As the album starts he sings on the title track “It’s a new year for love in the future, not the love I lost …no” On a personal level this is probably the most important message on the whole album. When I first listened to the album it made me sit up and pay attention. It sets the tone perfectly for the rest of the album. John Legend had this to say about it “The title kind of embraces where I’m heading in life, It’s the beginning of something new. It’s also the end.”

In the past I have always taken issue with most R&B/soul by male artists. This is because the majority of the time the songs are bout pining for lost love, asking for forgiveness or instead they offer a play by play account of how they intend to sex some women silly. This grates me not because I can’t relate, I can, but I always felt it was too dominant a narrative in soul music. And that is why I love “Love In The Future”. It’s a celebration of love infused with an anticipation and optimism of how that love is going to grow. It promotes stability and maturity in love and relationships.

Essentially the album plays out as a sort of love letter presumably to his then fiancé (and now wife) Chrissy Teigen. It unfolds like a concept album, speaking to the love they will grow into in the future. Each song either extols the graces of a woman or endorses the endurance of relationships. The album as a whole is sure to soften even the most cynical and jaded of hearts. It’s not cheesy in the way most pop and R&B albums tend to be. There is an authenticity and vulnerability that’s relatable and real. And the standout track for me is the piano heavy ballad ‘All Of Me’.

‘All Of Me’ is such a beautifully written and mature love song. It is without a shadow of doubt the most thoughtful, introspective, sensual, vulnerable and honest song I have listened to all year. Lyrically it bears all the hallmarks of all the songs that stay with me long after it will has been exhausted by radio. The music I return to whenever I retreat to nostalgia. The music that inspires me to moonwalk with my muse.It is a timeless. In recent memory with exception of Frank Ocean’s last offering ‘Channel Orange’ the music that has resonated with me that way has been mostly the rap music of the likes of Kendrick Lamar and J.Cole . So even though I caught on to the album later than most people, I still appreciate it just as much and I am grateful to John Legend for bringing back the soul into my playlist.

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Head Of The Household

Relationships are complicated. There is no one formula that works for all relationships. But there are some guiding principles that will always help us in our quest to having more fulfilling and meaningful relationships with the people in our lives. The most important relationship we will all ever have is the one we have with ourselves. This relationship sets the tone for all other relationships. However we hope to be treated or aspire to treat others we have to first look inwards and learn to love and be kind to ourselves first before we can even begin to extend the same courtesy’s to others.

From an early age my dad always taught me to believe in myself. To always treat others with kindness and respect. And to always be confident in my own abilities, but never arrogant. He also taught me to always show empathy and never to compromise my values. Another lesson my dad taught me was to always have an understanding of the dynamics of any relationship I was in. I must always know what my role in any relationship is. And If I am not comfortable with that role I must reassess the value of that relationship to my life. Was I a leader or a follower? A teacher or a student? Or maybe even an equal? According to my dad if you understand your role and accepted it you were putting yourself in a much better position to ensure that relationship was worth it.

Growing up we had a pretty defined family structure. My dad was the head of the household. He took it upon himself to be the leader of the family. And my mother gladly accepted that. Even though I have referred to my parents as the dream team of the marriage game on this blog before, it was never in doubt who the captain of that team was. It was my dad. But if my dad was the captain of the team then my mum was definitely the star play-maker. They needed each other. They played for each other. They supported each other. But even more importantly they had a shared vision of how they wanted their lives to play out. Because of that they both accepted their different roles in their relationship and it has worked for them. They understood their dynamic and took full responsibility for their particular roles.

Being the eldest child my dad always pushed me to take on the responsibility to be a leader in my own right. I was supposed to always set an example for my siblings. To this end he insisted that my younger siblings prefix my name with Mukoma when addressing me. (Mukoma is the shona title for a big brother) Everything I did he would remind me that my brothers and my sister looked up to me. To be honest, this is not a role I initially wanted to accept. Half the time I felt I had no clue what I was doing and the rest of the time I wished I had a Mukoma I could look to for answers. But this was before I realised that I had something much better to look to for guidance, my dad. As soon as I accepted that I became comfortable with being a leader for my siblings and I embraced the responsibility that came with it. Mukoma wasn’t just a title; just the same way my dad being the head of the household wasn’t one either. You had to accept, shoulder and live with responsibility that came along with it. And even though you are a leader you always have to treat others with respect. Only then would the dynamic ever work.

For a huge chunk of my life my father has been my mentor and as I have grown older the dynamic of that relationship has shifted and he has become one of my best friends. That is also the case with my siblings. We are all adults now with different experiences and with each passing day I am learning more and more from them as well. And that is a lesson I am still learning that even though relationships may have a specific dynamic at one stage in our lives it doesn’t always have to stay that way. It also important to evolve and accept these changes and you are guaranteed longevity in whatever relationship you have.

I am very grateful for the many lessons that my dad has taught me over the years. That has been part of the motivation behind this series of blogs over the past week. Not only did I want to share those lessons but I wanted to appreciate him in my own way. I also needed to remind myself of some of these lessons.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in Lessons From My Father

 

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Put That Woman First

My parent’s relationship is the blueprint from which I have tried to mold all the relationships I have had so far. Albeit with a far lesser degree of success than they have managed over the 32 years that they have been together. In my eyes, my parents are the dream team of the marriage game. This is not to imply that theirs has been a perfect marriage – no marriage is. And that is probably the most important thing I have learned. Theirs is an imperfectly perfect union. They are each other biggest fans. They continue to consistently make sacrifices for each other. They have an innate understanding of each other strengths and flaws. They complement each other. And even more significantly they are the very best of friends.

My parents do almost everything together. They spend as much time as they can together. They are open and transparent with each other and whatever their differences they have always presented a united front to me and the rest of the world. They even have a joint bank account! Having had my fair share of relationships I am fully aware of the level of trust and openness that is a prerequisite for such a decision. Most of us won’t even allow anyone we are in a relationship anywhere near our phones, let alone our bank accounts.

As a team, my parents each had their assigned role when it came to raising us, their kids and they both did it exceedingly well. I am a living testament to that. Growing up I naively assumed that this was the modus operandi in most marriages and families. It is only in my teens that I actively started noticing how this was not always the case. That some of my school mates came from either abusive, single parent or ‘broken’ homes. How often one parent had to shoulder all the responsibility and play both roles that my own parents shared between them. That only served to magnify the gratitude I continue to have for my parents. Everything I am is direct result of the sacrifices they have both made. And I become more and more preoccupied with the purpose of my life I have begun to look more and more at their example and to try and learn as much as I can from it.

Being a man I have looked more specifically looked to my dad for guidance as I try to navigate my way into manhood and what it means to me. A lesson I have learned from my dad and his relationship with my mum is about putting your significant other first. This manifest itself best by you able to find happiness in your partners happy.

The best example of this come from when I started working my first professional job in Melbourne. My parents flew over to visit and take what was to be their first holiday alone for the first time since they had had me. Detouring through they arrived in Melbourne two love birds crazy in love with each other. This is probably the first I actually looked at them as two people just truly, madly and deeply in love even after all the years. During that visit I realised that they were not just my mum and dad. They were soul mates.

Whilst I ran the rat race during the week they indulged themselves taking in the sights and going on dates. It was only on weekends that I got to spend time with them and even then I felt like I was the third wheel. On one particular weekend I decided to take them shopping. I remember I bought my dad this really nice suit that he absolutely adored but on that day in that particular mall my mum couldn’t find anything that was to her taste. So she went home empty handed. What happened as we made our way home and for most of that evening will always stay with me. My dad was visibly upset and disenchanted.

Later that night I worked up the nerve to ask him why he had been in such a foul mood, his response surprised me. This guy was even more disappointed than my mum was that she hadn’t been able to find anything during our shopping trip. I was pretty certain he loved the suit he had got, but he couldn’t get himself to appreciate it because his wife hadn’t been able to get anything on that day. When my mum caught wind of the reason for his sourness , she told him to stop being silly and reminded him that she still had time to get something she actually wanted. To which my dad responded ‘ You know I can never be truly happy if you are not happy. You are my happy.’

It might seem like it was a trivial matter, but in that moment my dad taught me an important lesson. Always put your woman first.

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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